Don’t Be Stupid Again America!

Posted on 01. Jun, 2010 by UnemployedOpinion in Politics

If the American electorate is dumb enough to vote the Republican Party into the majority at this stage in the game then we deserve whatever we get. Two years? You’re giving the President and the Democrats two years? It took you 8 years to figure out that According to Jim wasn’t funny. Don’t you get teary-eyed whenever you think about how different this world would be if Al Gore had been President or if we had elected Kerry and stopped the bleeding?

Republicans don’t care about you. I repeat, Republicans don’t care about you, real America! They don’t have “family values”.  They have All in the Family values. Archie’s bigotry was funny to laugh at because it’s fun to laugh at dummies who think they’re smart. It’s not smart to elect dummies and watch them laugh at you. Like that promise ring on your 13 year-old daughter’s finger, there’s nothing you can do to force a Republican to keep their vow.

You know why they never tried to make an anti-gay marriage constitutional amendment, because they’re actually for it. Only they’re for the kind that involves having a tween boyfriend while at the same time being married to some pathetically, sad unsuspecting (or in denial) wife. That’s the kind of gay marriage they can get behind.

And they aren’t “pro-life.” How can you be pro-life and against stem cell research? That’s like being pro-water but anti-freezers because they make ice. They’re pro you staying distracted by having to live pay check to pay check and incurring massive, crushing debt as you try to feed, clothe and educate your kids so you’ll be too busy to notice their systematic efforts to reverse civil rights legislation, end equal protection laws and dismantle unions!

And how can anyone be against unions? Aren’t unions the ones who fought to make sure that you and your little rug rats aren’t forced to work all day, every day for whatever random wage your employer came up with at any given time? Aren’t unions the reason why women aren’t forced to give birth in the bathroom stall and return swiftly back to the factory floor? Aren’t unions the ones who fought to make sure you didn’t lose your job when spoke up about the cancer causing chemicals you were forced to inhale while building that hedge fund’s new twenty story downtown location? Do you actually think businesses give you health benefits because they’re hoping to dethrone Google as the most awesomest place to work in America? If they cared that much wouldn’t they make every Friday Popsicle Friday?

Oh what’s that you say? It’s the taxes that are killing you. I didn’t realize your name was Oprah. Or is it Bill Gates? If that’s not your name and/or you’ve never been invited to either of their houses for tea and a lesson on paying it forward, Republicans don’t care about your taxes! Don’t get me wrong, Oprah and Bill are awesome. They care more about your taxes than you do. Republicans have never and will never do anything to lower your or your Dancing with the Stars fanatic neighbors taxes. You have no wealth to redistribute. And if you did, do you not think it’s hypocritical to teach your children to hoard their riches while at the same time proclaiming to be CHRISTians?

Don’t love America like a two year old loves her mother. Yes mommy can reach the top shelf, gets to drink wine all day and lets you have mac ‘n cheese for breakfast every now and then but mommy has some flaws too. She hardly shaves her legs, wears velour track suits with juicy written on the butt and is seriously considering bulimia. Instead of thinking she can do no wrong love America like you are in an adult relationship with it. You hate that it chews with its mouth open, hits on your mother and wears basketball jerseys to weddings but you love America. You’ve invested way too much time to give up on it now. You’ll work through your problems and do your best to find the best possible compromise for everybody. After all no one’s perfect and there aren’t simple solutions to everything.

It astonishes me that anyone can fall for this crap to begin with let alone AGAIN. African Americans vote overwhelmingly for Democrats each and every election because we have long memories.  We remember the name of every Black sidekick in television history. And even if we stop going to church every Sunday we’ll never forget the words to Tomorrow by the Winans. We know what it means to have people smile in your face and clinch their purse at the same time.

So don’t fall for Republican one-liners this fall. They’re not Gallagher and you’re not a drunk 1970’s junior high auditorium audience. Vote your brain not your fears. Unless, of course, you fear both Republicans taking over the United States congress and another rom-com about a single girl stumbling her way towards love starring Jennifer Lopez.

Tags: Elections, Finances, Republicans, Voting