The Tale Of Rod Blagojevich & The Expensive Suit
Posted on 17. Jun, 2010 by BryanAlvarez in Politics
Wow. It’s already been 18 months since Ex-Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich was arrested on 24 different offenses including attempting to sell President Obama’s senate seat. He will finally appear before a court so they can listen to the 500 hours of FBI audio recordings where he can plead his case. In the mean time, Blagojevich has spent the days talking of his innocence, relaxing, hanging with his cronies, and he even found time to be on the reality show Celebrity Apprentice alongside Brett Michaels and Donald Trump. I’m sure it was blast, Blago, but fun time is over. Not only do I think that this last 18 months was wasted (we could have been publically defaming you this whole time!), but here is what I think should have happened to him:
Rod Blagojevich is tied up to a wooden post in Springfield, IL. All of the citizens of Illinois are standing around him. Some are holding torches, others are holding American flags. You might even see a pitchfork or two. Blagojevich is wearing his nicest suit, tie, and shoes. An individual wearing a black mask walks over and announces his crimes to the public over a megaphone. All of the bribes, all of the illegal transactions, and perhaps an embarrassing moment or two are brought out into the open for all of Illinois to hear. The crowd erupts into a single booing voice towards Blagojevich. Silence! They all stop. Blagojevich has been voted guilty for his crimes against Illinois citizens and will be punished. A few individuals wheel out a trough of a dark, black liquid that turns out to be tar. Hundreds of brown potato sacks are drug out by others, which turn out to be filled with feathers. A few more words are said by the person in the black mask. Let the punishment begin! Lines of Illinois citizens begin walking toward Blagojevich tied to the wooden post in his nicest, most expensive suit. On one side of him the first person throws a cup of black tar in his face, on the other another person throws white feathers, which begin to stick to his face. One by one everyone in Illinois who showed up to the public trial of Rod Blagojevich take turns splashing him with black tar and covering him with white feathers.
Hours and hours and hours go by until Blagojevich looks like a giant, human-like chicken. His cries from the hot tar are only a muffle to the sounds of the cheering crowds. Everyone seems happy because we have liquidated all of his possessions into the state economy giving more funding to our schools and organizations. Finally, after many hours of tar and feathering, the deed is done. The person in the black mask returns to the front and spits in his feathery face. Another walks up and punches him in the stomach causing Blagojevich to throw up a little in his mouth. A few others walk up and begin untying Blagojevich from the wooden post and he almost falls from exhaustion. The cameras are rolling. More people are watching this than the Stanley Cup. He is held up by others who then place him in a vehicle to where he is transported to the state line bordering Kentucky. With the people of Illinois facing Blagojevich, the person in the black mask says a few more words, mockingly of course, turns Blagojevich around and kicks him with all of his strength right in the ass and over the state line into Kentucky.
“You are never allowed to return to Illinois again!” the person in the black mask announces, “You are hereby banished!” The crowd erupts into a fit of laughter, pointing fingers, throwing eggs and rotten fruit at the tar and feathered Rod Blagojevich. He gets up, after much effort and proceeds to walk away in shame from the state that he intentionally manipulated. His reputation is destroyed, his ego is covered in rotten fruit, and his expensive suit is covered in black tar.
The people of Illinois dust their hands off and return to their homes, comforted in the fact that a political criminal of his stature will not get around the system and live a life of luxury even during his prison sentence. A crooked politician got what they deserved.
-The End-
Are we above the old fashioned method of tar and feathering a criminal? Why let “high-level” crooks carry out prison sentences in cozy, rich politician prisons? Why not defame him first? I’m sorry Mr. Blagojevich, but no more reality TV for you, I’m afraid. Why not publicly tar and feather him and then boot him out of Illinois for the entire world to see?
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