It’s Time For An Intervention

Posted on 14. Jul, 2010 by Brittney Winters in Entertainment

Dear Collegiate Aspiring Rappers,

I’ve seen you in the hallways, on the walkways, and in classes. I’ve eaten dinner with you, taken classes with you, joined clubs with you. I’m friends with most of you, hell, I’ve even dated some of you (there’s just something about a man who’s musically inclined). With these qualifications, I think have some basis for broaching this subject.

Collegiate Aspiring Rappers, I know you. But I must admit, I do not understand you. Collegiate (particularly Ivy League) Aspiring Rapper/DJ/Emcee friends of mine, why do you do what you do? Are you hoping for a record deal? Is it just for fun? If it’s just for fun, then why do you go to such great lengths to convince us that you have a sick flow? Couldn’t it just be for fun, in private, without dragging everyone and their mother to your performances, inviting every single acquaintance you’ve ever friended on facebook to your events and groups and tagging everyone you can in your notes bespeaking your lyrics? If your rap game is just for fun and you just happen to be a little over exuberant in your hobby, then this post is not directed towards you. Please go elsewhere or forward this memo to your friends who really seem to think that dropping a borrowed beat and spitting 16 bars of whatever nonsense comes to mind will lead to them becoming the next Jay-Z.

Collegiate Aspiring Rappers, why?!? Why do you insist on inflicting what you and your “homies” believe to be “sick rhymes” upon the rest of us? Call me a hater if you wish, but if I get one more notification on facebook, Twitter, in my email inbox, on Google Buzz or any other social media outlet, I am going to scream. Thank God that I already deleted my Myspace account, because you were going to blow up my profile with “check out these lyrics” – in fact, a couple of you already had.

Seriously, though, I like most of you. I love some of you. I just need you all to understand that when you get all souped up over some rhyme that your friends convinced you will get you record deals, fame, widespread acclaim and the chance to smash Kim Kardashian…THEY. ARE. LYING. TO. YOU! and doing us all a disservice.

I love you, Collegiate Aspiring Rappers, I truly do. A lot of you are genuinely nice people when you’re not starting facebook groups, posting your wack lyrics as statuses and facebook notes, inviting us to check out your Myspace pages, and generally being shameless self-promoters when all you really need for your “career” is a reality check.

If I haven’t been frank enough, let me spell it out for you.

1. You are not as talented as you seem to think you are. If you were meant to be the next Hov, you would have been discovered by now – or you would have done more for your career much sooner (like, I dunno, LEARN HOW TO RAP?) and you probably wouldn’t even be in school.

2. Don’t listen to your friends. Don’t believe the “criticisms” of your boys. And since most of you are male, I will say this: DO NOT LISTEN TO ANY OF YOUR FEMALE FRIENDS, EVER. Girls, especially if you are an attractive male, will lie, lie, lie to you! I’m ashamed to admit that I’m guilty of this too. Sorry, ex-Collegiate Aspiring Rapper-boyfriends, I lied. You’re not that talented. I just wanted you to shut up so I could go to sleep/get laid/do my homework.

3. I can not reiterate this enough, so this gets another section to itself: DO NOT TRUST YOUR BOYS! They will screw you over six ways to Sunday to get their time in the limelight. They will let you make an ass of yourself so that they can then move in with their slightly-less-wack lines. They will let you borrow their recording equipment, promise to mix the track for you, make you wait a month and then when you finally get the track back, all you will be able to hear is your boy. Not you. Your boy. And then you’re going to be feeling hella salty. Especially if by some twist of fate, you’re actually the one who’s less corny with their lines (and you’re smart enough to realize that much).

4. If the only people commenting on and complimenting your rhymes have no knowledge of hip hop or good rap, have horrible “skills” of their own, or have been known to ride jocks like a rodeo? DO NOT LISTEN TO THEM!

5. Haters, for those who actually have talent, can be motivators. For you, Collegiate Aspiring Rappers, they are your reality check. Put down the Katt Williams quotes about haters and hop off Jay-Z’s nuts. We, the haters, discourage you for your own good.

6. Stop recruiting for your “artist collectives”. You are not the next Rocafella. You’re not even the next Murda Inc. And just like Murda Inc., no one really gives a shit about your “entertainment enterprise”.

7. Fans on facebook, Myspace, etc. do not equal success. We all know most of these people were peer pressured into joining your groups by constant and consistent social media stalking and harassment. Your high group counts only mean that we got tired of ignoring your requests and messages and posts and decided to just click “accept” so you’d stop reminding us that we need to join.

8. Stage names. NO. JUST STOP. Especially if you have multiple names. Who the fuck are you?! DJ Pookie Bear a.k.a. “Grizzly” a.k.a. “Grizzy” a.k.a. “Grizzy-Griz” a.k.a. “The Golden Child” a.k.a. “The Prodigal One” a.k.a. “Da Best”, GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE. If I have to make a list of your known aliases, you are so out of line.

9. You are not allowed to shout yourself out on your own tracks. If no one cares enough about you as an artist to shout you out, put down the mic and walk away. I promise you, if you are indeed talented, people will ASK. No need to ram your name down our auditory throats.

10. Collegiate Aspiring Rapper, please work on developing an accurate sense of self. We know that you think that when you’re on stage, you look like this:

But please believe me. This is what you actually look like to us:

I could go on, but really, the gist of this is: WE DON’T CARE. So keep your rhyme books to yourself. Stop volunteering to perform at events entirely unsuited to your dubious “talents”. Stop thinking that an iPod and DJ Hero will make you into the sickest MC ever.

Dear Collegiate Aspiring Rapper friends, I love you and you know I’ll encourage you as much as my haterade-swilling self is able, but if you inflict your rhymes on me one more time, I might just have to hurt you. It’s time to put down the computer, the track-mixing software, and go do something productive.

Tags: Hip-Hop, Intervention, Rap Music, rappers