Cultivate Your Mystique, DON’T KILL IT!

Posted on 03. Aug, 2010 by KaliMa in Lifestyle

Recently I went on a date with a gentleman and anticipated having a great time. He looked good on paper. He was a Professor at a prestigious university. He knew several languages. He was well traveled. I had high hopes for our encounter. We met at a coffee shop, he purchased our drinks and then we sat down and began to talk. He was good looking and witty. I was immediately attracted to his persona…but then it happened! 25 minutes into the date he decided to divulge…everything…and I mean everything!!!!!

We were both divorced and had one child. So he asked, “Why did you and your ex divorce?” I gave him my STANDARD I’M JUST MEETING YOU ANSWER, “He became involved in his work, I became involved in our child and we grew apart.” I then asked, “And you?” He then began to tell me about his wedding… the ceremony… how they chose their house… he found his wife in bed with a woman…then two women…he then found her in bed with another man…she gave him several STDs…on and on and on!!!!!! At that point I was DONE!!!! “Check Please!”

In a record 45 minutes he completely shattered my persona of him…he KILLED the MYSTIQUE!!!!

What is MYSTIQUE? According to DICTIONARY.COM, MYSTIQUE is a framework of doctrines, ideas, beliefs, or the like, constructed around a person or object, endowing the person or object with enhanced value or profound meaning.

The point of the THE DATING ROTATION THEORY is for you to do the WORK necessary to become the person you have always imagined yourself to be. You are CULTIVATING your MYSTIQUE. You are developing and enhancing the power in you to actualize your dreams and goals…to give your life enhanced value and profound meaning. You are going to do that work…start taking those steps to be the new you…and then allow your circumstances to OUT SHINE YOU?

When we go through something traumatic or life changing it feels good to vent about it. I suggest you vent here and/or in your journal! As you work on yourself vent…get out your frustrations…your disappointments…your hurts and anger. GET IT OUT! Don’t carry it with you into your next relationship or you will completely F*CK UP YOUR MYSTIQUE!!!!! During the date I described above, my focus went from wanting to know more about this guy, his interests, his work, his dreams… to “Wow! He sounds bitter.” “Man, he’s still stuck in the past.” “Lawd, I thought I made bad choices, but he takes the cake!”

This is how I felt about this man after our first date. Now I’ll ask the question, “WHEN YOUR DATE IS OVER HOW DOES HE FEEL ABOUT YOU?”

DO NOT TAKE THIS THE WRONG WAY! I am not abdicating lying!!!!! But you want a person to be attracted to YOU! You want them to CARE about YOU! Knowing and understanding who you ARE and what you’ve ACCOMPLISHED, first, will give them better information to assess you as a potential mate. I have friends who suggest: “Let them know what they’re dealing with up front!” I agree, let them know the person that you ARE NOW, TODAY!  Let them know you are a mover and shaker and that you are looking for a mate that is also forward thinking. That IS the TRUTH. That IS what they are dealing with. You have confronted your past and are working on it. What is the motivation to continue seeing you otherwise? How will you move into the marriage potential category, if you have painted yourself as a person who is easily used. PUT YOUR BEST SELF FRONT AND CENTER!!

A girlfriend asked me the other day, “My love interest wants to know how many people I have slept with, should I tell him?” My answer is….NO! A man doesn’t really want to know the answer…You will KILL YOUR MYSTIQUE! How many people you’ve slept with is not pertinent information! Especially, not while he is getting to know you. He REALLY wants to know what’s important (the things that might come back to bite him): Have you slept with any of his friends? Do you have any chronic STDs that he needs to be aware of? These are questions that need to be addressed in a straightforward manner when the time is right. While you are working the rotation and are casually dating (meaning: you are not intimate with anyone), specifics about your personal business (credit score, your previous failed relationships, how people took advantage of you in the past) need to remain your business. Don’t give away your POWER! And your POWER is the beautiful new you that you’ve created and need to SHOW OFF!

HERE IS YOUR WORK:

1) WRITE a two page description of the person you are striving to become. What are you doing? What are you wearing? Where do you live? Where do you work? Who are your friends (this is incredibly important because your friends can help you achieve your goals or they can help destroy them)? Are you taking classes of any kind? Have you graduated with some sort of degree or certification? What do you do for fun? What are your hobbies? What books have you read?

2) LIST your action items. Re-read your description and based on your details, make a list of the things you need to accomplish. For example, in my description I wrote that I am a lover of art. Currently I would love to be exposed to more art, but in order to do that I have to make getting to museums, taking a class or reading on the topic a priority.

3) PRIORITIZE your goals. Re-write your list according to what you can do now and what is most important. Visit your list daily and check off the things you have accomplished.

Finally,

4) BRAINSTORM the details of you life that are important but might be too much information (TMI) on a first date. Take a page of your journal and fold it in half. On the left side write out the important issues that will need to be addressed with your significant other and number them. On the right side, write the corresponding number and a short summary statement that is truthful, but isn’t a long drawn out tale that takes the focus away from WHO YOU ARE! For example, in the above scenario I was asked why I was divorced. I could have taken up an hour telling my date how I got screwed by my ex. But then the focus is my drama and not this wonderful JEWEL sitting in front of him who loves visiting museums.

Remember, DO NOT ALLOW YOUR CIRCUMSTANCES TO OUT SHINE YOU! Cultivate your MYSTIQUE, don’t KILL IT!

Source: Cultivate

Tags: Dating, Dating Rotation, Mystique, Relationships