Practical Applications: ‘Blast Boxers’
Posted on 07. Dec, 2010 by Brittney Winters in Lifestyle
Today, I present to you, ”Blast Boxers“, armored undergarments that supposedly protect the groin from shrapnel. These undergarments are meant to be worn by soldiers in Afghanistan to protect them from potentially deadly shrapnel exploding from IEDs. It protects the groin and the femoral artery, an artery which, if cut, could lead to a quick death from blood loss, and generally reduce “life-changing injuries to the genitalia and colon”.
The protective panel is made of the same kind of fabric as Kevlar vests and the rest is composed of a lightweight mesh. They can stop a projectile moving at 230 meters per second (the average speed of a small handgun bullet) and have been worn on a 10-mile run “without causing undue discomfort”, though the company that makes them recommends layering these briefs over another pair of tighty-whities.
I’m all for protecting the “rifle and grenades” of our nation’s soldiers as they serve our country, and apparently, so are the soldiers in question:
“All soldiers asked whom have recently returned from Afghanistan, confirmed that had the Blast Boxers been available for them, despite the added burden, they would have all, to a man, worn them,” the company says on its website.
That’s definitely one company line that I totally believe, but let’s think about more practical applications for these “Blast Boxers”, shall we?
If these were commercially available, men would have naught to fear from their angered significant others. It’s not like scorned women haven’t thought about unleashing a shotgun full of buckshot at their philandering partner’s phallus. This could very well be the best invention man has seen since the protective cup in the war against intentional junk injuries.
I foresee this being a staple in the wardrobes of the ilk of Tiger Woods, most NBA players, Brett Favre, Ray-Ray on the corner, the boyfriends of Teen Mom candidates everywhere, and any other dude who may be running the risk of having glocks cocked at their…er….
And at the relatively reasonable price of $86 right now, if you’re seeing multiple partners with a tendency towards anger management issues, which is easier for you? Actually being a man and engaging in a mature relationship with someone or throwing on some Blast Boxers before heading onto the stage of Maury and taking a chance on some angry baby mama?
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