I really liked Earl. He was funny and compassionate, a real sweetheart. He was the type of man I tend to underestimate or over look, because I go for the most handsome and charismatic person in the room (also known as biggest asshole).
Don’t get me wrong. Earl has personality and is quite adorable. I wouldn’t have even been interested if he didn’t have some sort of sparkle inside of him. Unfortunately, Earl had a pattern of disappointment. Initially, everything was going along just fine. We were talking on a regular basis, so I decided to make a trip to The Big Easy, again, on the precept that we had feelings for one another and might possible pursue a relationship.
I was so worried that things weren’t going to work out, again. I had a mini panic attack the day before I left to go to New Orleans, I couldn’t get a hold of him via the phone, once again. I’m sweating bullets, because I’m thinking he has abandoned me again. I’m telling myself “How foolish can you be Dwann? You know how he is! He’s probably let you down again!”
An hour or so later he calls me. My blood pressure returns to normal. This is also the same night I spent the night over my exes Hakeem’s. (Go ahead and judge me. I needed a place to stay to catch the plane in the morning. We didn’t have sex or even kiss). And I as I laid in the bed beside him I felt someone or something reach over and grab my leg. I knew for sure that Hakeem had demons in him and I COULD not WAIT to get the HELL up out of there.
I get to New Orleans and I love it. He cooks me breakfast. We hang out. But he’s not making any moves. We hit Bourbon Street. I get WASTED. I thought for sure since I was drunk it would be going down. Nothing happened. We got in the bed and cuddled. The next day we go to a bar to watch the Saints game. I get drunk and eat cheeseburgers (My definition of Heaven, by the way). We go home. Nothing happens. We go to another bar. I opt not to drink, thinking maybe me being wasted last night was a turnoff. I was super tired by the time we got back to his crib and I had an early flight in the morning. I ate some Taco Bell, changed my clothes and got in the bed. Alone.
The next day he told me how much he enjoyed having me there. We didn’t even do much, but had a blast. Which was true. I had an amazing time, despite the lack of sexual activity. But I was left with this incomplete feeling. I had no idea where I stood with Earl. He was taking care of me, yet not verbalizing his intentions or feelings.
I got back to regular life and I start Internet stalking him. (As all smart women should do) I stumble upon his blog and find out that he has a daughter. No big deal, right? Wrong. I knew he had a son. I knew that from day one, but um, where prey tell did this daughter come from? I was livid. I ripped him a new one. I felt, once again, betrayed and misled. I thought we were closer than that. Even if nothing romantic had ever happened between us, we were still friends. And as a friend, he should have shared that information with me. I should not have found that out on the Internet.
I told Earl that I wanted to be with him. He told me he wasn’t ready for a relationship. Can we say BLOWER? I was devastated. I put myself out there. I haven’t been ready to TRULY commit to anyone, ever! I was ready to put aside all others to be totally focused on him and he doesn’t want me. He gave me the same old tired excuse “I need to work on myself”. If I had a dollar for each time that was said to me, I’d have like 10 dollars.
I tried reassuring him that we could work on things together and that no one is perfect. No relationship starts out ideally. There is always hard work put in to these types of relationships. I thought I was winning him over. Until he told me I was abrasive and that I put my own needs and issues before others. Which is absolutely not true. OK, maybe the abrasive is more like me, but I definitely don’t put my needs and feelings ahead of others, when they really need me. Being told that I was abrasive and not understanding really hit me hard.
Did he love me, did he not love me? Shades of grey.