They say honesty is the best policy, but somehow, that memo didn’t quite reach the male species. Men love to claim that women are the best liars around, but most men simply don’t tell the truth; at least, not the whole truth. They just get better at lying. Or at least they think they do.
But there’s a reason women are the ones in charge of bringing life into this world: we’re quicker on the uptake. Sorry, guys, but we’ve been onto you for years. Here are some of the best tall tales ever created since the boy who cried wolf:
1. “I’ll call you.”
It isn’t hard to make a phone call. At least it wasn’t before text messaging replaced actual conversation and relationships were catapulted from social networking sites and Instant Messaging conversations. Yet somehow it seems easier for men to end a conversation with, “I’ll call you later” or “I’ll call you right back” instead of being honest and saying, “I will try to call. I might even think about it, but I most likely won’t because my attention span is akin to a golden retriever’s.”
2. “My phone was dead/off/on silent.”
Most of the lies men tell are directly linked to wrongdoing. READ: CHEATING. When a man says his phone is off, it usually means he was getting off…with someone other than you.
3. “Just the tip…”
Men want sex. It’s their endgame. It’s all that matters. If a guy tells you anything along the lines of, “We’re just going to sleep,” or “I just wanna talk,” or even better, “We’re just gonna lay here with our clothes off and rub up against each other for fun’s sake,” he’s lying. You are either getting the nookie or getting the nookie.
4. “I’ve been busy.”
We all know when we’re getting written off. The truth of the matter is that people make time for the things they want to make time for. Yes, it can be a crazy week. Sure, he could be inundated with deadlines and meetings. Of course, his pet parakeet, Arthur, could have dropped dead and he’s been busy making funeral arrangements, but it’s more likely he isn’t that busy at all. Just too busy to be bothered with making time for you.
Similar to women giving or taking a solid six pounds from their weight, men seem to enjoy adding a few inches to their height. Ludicrous, because it’s just so obvious. Right up there with toupees, Just For Men, and Rogaine. Have you ever listened to a 5’9 man state with much bravado that he is 6′? No, he is not. Four inches makes an ENORMOUS difference. Which leads us to…
6. “Size doesn’t matter.”
Please do not even bother with this one, guys. It does. And if you’re running around telling this little tale, we’re going to guess you know the itty, bitty truth.
7. “…This isn’t what it looks like.”
Women have eyes and most of them can see quite well, so when we walk in on a potentially bad situation and you feed us with “This isn’t what it looks like,” you are not only lying to us, but you are now trying to convince us that our own eyes are liars as well. This will most likely piss us off even further. When it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and poops all over our shoes, well, you know what it is.
8. Number of sexual partners
Men think chicks win this lie war, but men are the kings of half-truths when it comes to bedpost notches. Men usually forget the number of women they’ve actually slept with, so instead of getting a solid 41, they give you a nice, rounded 50. It also does wonders for the ego.
9. “I love you.”
Sad, but true. Some say women use sex to get love, while men use love to get sex. Men are incredibly simple creatures and one of their basic fundamentals for survival is getting laid. In fact, most of their daily activities contribute to the ultimate goal of getting laid, so uttering those three little words, while excessive and extreme, gets the job done… easily.
10. “It isn’t you, it’s me.”
It isn’t him. It’s you.
Worth Mentioning (Honorably, of course):
11. “I’m single.”
Men somehow forget when they’re single, so instead they just lie. “She’s not my girlfriend”; “we aren’t exclusive”; “I’m married, but we’re unhappy or separated (but living in the same house…)”. These are all some personal favorites.
12. “You look good in that outfit.” (aka “you don’t look fat”)
This one is a bit of a freebie, as guys have little choice in the matter. One of the first life lessons young boys are taught is to always say a woman looks good in whatever she has on when prompted. Who cares if she’s wearing a dead swan wrapped around her body? When she says, “honey, does this look okay?” it is a man’s job to lie, lie, and lie some more by simply saying, “Yep.”
13. “I will not think differently of you, if you…”
Double standards are an absolute killer. Don’t fall for it. He will absolutely think differently of you… and will probably have the video as proof.
Men: Can you agree with any of these points, or are you victims of frontin’? Tell us!